I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
