Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
