I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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