I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
