Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
