Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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