Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
