when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
