Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
