she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
