Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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