Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize