then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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