Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
