Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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