I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Let the clothes fall where they may.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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