we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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