Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
