someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
