we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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