She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
