ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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