i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
