I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
