Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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