so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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