Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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