For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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