ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found the puke drawer
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
