literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
