Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
