So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The chlamydia really affected his face.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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