Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
