Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
