She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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