I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
