I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
