I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
