the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
