i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
