so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
