Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
