A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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