Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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