He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
