I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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