I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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