if you like me you must not know who I am
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize