Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
