ugly people sure do ruin things
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
