A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
