You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
