I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
