____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
