my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
