my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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