The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
