Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whod you bang
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
