Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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