Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
