I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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