i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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