i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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