K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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