I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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